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Jen_the_bard
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Name: Jennifer
Location: Melbourne, Florida, United States
Birthday: 9/15/1968
Gender: Female
Occupation: Sales
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
Member Since:
7/12/2005
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| Wow, almost six months since my last entry. Man, I need to remember to update this more frequently. SO many changes. I quit smoking in March. Three months now and counting. In that time I've dropped my cholesterol by over 30 points. Still need to lose a bit of weight but I'm going to get there. Getting healthy is my priority and I've been doing a lot of yardwork, house work to help me get sweating and get moving. The house is looking a ton better for it and so is the yard and I am healthier to boot.
Katie and Anthony and Katie's friend Jenna get here in 2 days. Katie and Jenna will be here for 2 weeks. Anthony's scheduled to stay till August. So of course, the AC system died today. I think it's just out of freon. I HOPE it's just freon. It's still working and running just not putting out cold air.
I am truly deeply blessed in my best friend Val. She stopped by to introduce me to her niece and found out about the AC. So she came back later with her brother and they put in a window unit in my bedroom for now at least. So I have one room in the house that is cool at least. Thank you goddess and god for sending such an angel into my life and help me remember to NEVER let her feel unappreciated for the wonderful wonderful person that she is. She said she couldn't bear to think about me trying to sleep in this heat. Gods I love her.
Work is work. I am doing well and truly deeply grateful for the job. Tomorrow is my last day before a week of vacation which helps too. Next week I'm working 2 days and then going to be on vacation for three for a stay at a hotel in Disney world with the kids. Should be a blast!
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| Hmm, getting off to a slow
start today. At least it feels like it though I've already been up and
out to breakfast and the library. Turned in the three books I checked
out and read last week and got three more. Last week I read Memoir
of a Geisha, Predator, and The Memory Keeper's Daughter. Very
good books, all three, though each were very different from the other.
Got the new Stephen King to read this week.
Katie told me this week that she'd like to come down for Spring break.
That sounds really neat. And, oddly enough, I had already put in for
vacation on April 15th for no real reason. Just listening to the inner
voice that said April 15th would be a good day to have vacation. Turns
out that's the very time Katie will be on spring break so it worked out
really well. Now to come up with the money for a plane ticket and get
it all confirmed. I'm looking forward to a couple days at the beach
relaxing and enjoying the sunshine and the bright light that is my
daughter.
Not much happened this week otherwise. Watched a few movies, played
Gemstone and kept up on email and such. All in all a regular week with
the highpoint of Katie's mentioning she wants to visit.
Till next time.
Jen
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| Wow, I can't believe how long
it's been since my last update. I got really busy and then just forgot
to keep making entries. The month of October was really good. I had a
friend come down from New York and we spent 10 days on a vacation. Was
really nice because he paid for almost everything and it was the first
time I'd had an adult vacation here in the state I live in. We went to
Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios and had dinner at Emeril's
first. We also went to the Arabian Nights dinner show, stayed a couple
of nights at a Disney resort and went to Epcot for a really great day.
We saw the Beach Boys sing there and just had a great day. We were
going to go out deep sea fishing but the boat canceled that day because
it was really cold and there weren't enough passengers. But all in all
it was an awesome little vacation.
November went by quick, the usual holiday shopping. I managed to get
most of my Christmas shopping done early this year for a change. Spent
Thanksgiving at a co-workers house because Vince had to cancel his
visit down as he and his fiance found out they were expecting.
December was another blur, more shopping, mailing out presents.. I
actually went to a party which is a pretty big change for me. I've
begun coming out of the shell I've been living in for years. With no
roommates draining my expenses, I'm actually not behind on bills for
the first time in years and starting to want a real life again. Kind of
scary. Christmas day was solo, here at the house but that was fine
because it just reminded me that next year I want to be in a situation
where I have someone I love here to share it with me.
And now here we are, January 2006. I remember being a kid and thinking
how impossibly far away the 2000's seemed. I remember thinking how I
would be in my 30's now and how ancient that seemed. The funny part of
growing older is that in some ways, you don't. Your body gets older but
there are parts of you that are always young. I look in the mirror
sometimes and there's this moment of shock because I don't feel like
the person looking back at me. Not that I'm old, because I'm not. And
not that I don't like the person looking back, it's just that sometimes
I expect to still see my 18 or 24 or 30 year old self looking back.
All in all, life is good. I'm happy where I am and who I am. I do wish
I had someone to love, really love. I want to have someone in my life
when I come home from work that says "Hey honey, how was your day?" I
want someone there beside me when I'm sleeping, to reach out and feel
the warmth of someone beside me that I love. The first step to finding
all of these things though is to just open myself up to the possibility
of them, so that's what I'm doing. I've loved enough, and screwed it up
enough, that I'm not going to rush out and just find someone to love.
I'm putting it in the hands of the universe to send me someone to share
my life if that's what is meant to be.
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| Hmmm, It's been two weeks
since my last entry. Time flies I guess. Last week was my birthday and
I just didn't feel like making an entry so I'll have to make up for it
this time. 37 years young. I don't feel old so I refuse to believe I am
old. I am getting oldER, yes, but I am still not old. The last
year though has seen.... monumental changes in my life. I said goodbye
to my teeth and with that goodbye to a lot of the pain that had been
part of my life for so long. I didn't even realize how much pain I was
constantly in until it was gone, and though it's been an interesting
adjustment it's still not a choice that I regret making. My health
overall has improved so much since that. I've actually lost some
weight, though I haven't been trying and really haven't been watching
it. I don't hop on a scale once a week and anxiously check to see
if the god of numbers has decided to bless me or curse me, because, to
be honest, I'm not on a diet. I wouldn't mind losing weight to be in
better shape but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm never
going to be Barbie. I'm large-breasted, well-rounded and all woman. I
am Rubenesque. 100 years ago, I would have been cover girl material
because the world appreciated a woman with meat on her bones and
love in her heart and I have both of those. Society currently worships
women who are so thin it's painful almost to look at them and they
punish themselves, with drugs and diets and painful procedures to meet
someone elses impossible standards of beauty. And the funny thing is,
no matter HOW gorgeous we might think someone is.. they don't. They see
their own imperfections just like the rest of us. No one is perfect but
I'm not going to hurt myself or deny myself the pleasures of life
trying to meet someone elses standards. So.. here I am. 37, chubby,
dentures, and FREE. Free of roommates who drag me down, free of
responsibilities to be someone elses caretaker and free for the first
time in a very very long time to take care of myself. It's refreshing.
And for a little something I wrote this week at work.
When love has no more use for me
leaving me cold and alone
staring at the dying coals of the warmth I've grown to need
Shivering in the mind-numbing emptiness of why?
The vast empty corridors of why where no doors exist
only alcoves with mirrors from which I stare back at myself
Me's I don't know anymore, Me's I may never be now
Me's I never was or don't recognize
In this terrible aching place I begin to hear again the whisper
of possibilities
And I throw myself against the unseen mesh of loneliness
like a moth trying to die in a blaze of glory
And yet...
I do not want to burn so hot and fierce that nothing is left
nothing but ash and regret and memories
Never again do I want to walk the halls of why
and search for answers I will never find in my own reflection
So understand me
Just accept that today I will throw myself at you
That today I may clutch you so tightly that breath is dear
And tomorrow...
Tomorrow I may run, as fast and far as I can
or shove myself at you with angry frightened words to see
if you will break
To try and break this dancing shimmering web
of hope
To try and smother the spark of possibility
To see if it is strong enough to burn, bright and warm
Not a bonfire, not dying to coals
But be a blaze I can spend a lifetime warming myself by
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| Time, the incarnate thief,
who inevitably steals blushes from cheeks and innocence from hearts,
has crept across another week of my life. Leaving nothing
behind but shadowed memories of meals and movies, lawns mowed, cats
petted and people adored, missed, and then adored all the more behind
him. More bills were paid, more groceries purchased. Library
books return, albeit a day late, and more checked out. Rain, rain and
more rain as Opehlia decided to just sit her squalling rear end almost
due east from here for two days while she decided where to go with the
fierce stubborness of a man refusing to read a map. Memorial day came
and went and in it's wake is left the aching realization that Sunday
will be five years from 9/11. It does not seem possible that five years
have passed since that day of so much terror and fear and uncertainty.
But time, ah time, the invisible, unerring, silent thief of youth and
dreams and memories that he is yet creeps. Across your life, across
mine, stealing things which won't notice are missing and won't realize
mattered until far too late.
Going though old paperwork
today and found this poem that I'll share. I wrote it when I was in my
early 20's. Feeling old before my time and looking back I see how young
I was... will I look back in another ten years and think the same of
the me I am today? Most likely. Wisdom
to myself, for there are passages in this that strike to the heart of
doubts I have today. Am I reaching across the years to guide myself,
the youth giving wisdom to the old? Direct contradiction to the poem
but... true nonetheless for it.
Sweet child, you please me not with this display.
Such rage does not befit a pretty face,
You twist and turn the words I have to say
As though our conversation were a race
While you have youth, I have the weight of years.
Your tender bloom to my now fading glow
You see through youthful eyes and know no fears
While I see all there is that you don't know
You haven't felt the cold hard touch of death
You've yet to drink the bitter drink of strife
Regret is a companion you have not yet met
There is so much you do not know of life
And yet, for all the pain that life can bring
I would not go from winter back to spring
So hear me child, these words worth more than gold
For wisdom is a treasure you can't buy
Share you heart less your heart alone grow old
Know when to love, and with it, when to cry
Know that you will not win every challange
Sometimes to win you have to lose a few
The glory comes from staying calm within
When all about you are in strife with you
Enjoy each year as though it were fine wine
Drink them slowly, savoring every drop
For nothing is more precious than this time
Live by your heart and not by some great clock
For if you can see grace in the years behind you
The years remaining will not seem as few
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